so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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