i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
