i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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