I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
