If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
