I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
