Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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