..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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