Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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