Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize