I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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