i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
