Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
