her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
