I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
