ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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