my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
