So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
