I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
