Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
