HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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