I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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