I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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