This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
