Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
