Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
