how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
