One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
