I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
