Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
