I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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