glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
