just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
