I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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