She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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