What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
