he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
