Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
