i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
