Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
