He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
