I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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