I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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