Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
