Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
