I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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