Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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