So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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