ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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