Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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