By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
two words: eviction party
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
