On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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