ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
