dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
