Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
