I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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