so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i think i have two assholes
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
