Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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