he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
