if i can run in heels then i can drive
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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