I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
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