i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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