It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
